The Internet is fast becoming the latest way for lonely hearts to connect with each other all over the globe. However due to the anonymity of online forums, lying and scamming can be incredibly easy. If you are not careful you could get scammed out of your time (and feelings) or even money. So how can you tell if this person who has contacted you online is actually sincere or is a potential scammer?
The first thing to bear in mind is that 98% of the people you come into contact with online will be lying about something. Whether it is what they look like, their personality, their preferences or even the more serious end of deceit absolutely everything about themselves. Many lesbians will tell you they have come into contact with at least one of the worst end in their online career by way of a man impersonating a woman in order to gain a pseudo lesbian relationship with her.
Recently I had the unfortunate joy of becoming involved in a case concerning a serial scammer. This person fabricated all of what she told women she was 'dating'. And the thing that baffled me was the sheer amount that believed her. No one had ever spoken to her on a telephone, seen her on webcam or seen regular consistent real pictures of her. The contradictions in her story aside, there was no evidence at all to suggest this person existed. And yet there was a string of women who had believed at one point or another that this woman was in love with them and there was a real relationship. Some of these women after years still believed in the existence of her and their pseudo relationship.
After investigating and using some very cool interweb trickery I managed to trace the real identity of the person. And here is where it is strange. Over the years I have been online I have been asked to investigate and honey trap many people. Quite a few turn out to be men. While it disturbs me that a man would go to such lengths to dupe a lesbian into a pseudo online relationship rather than put the energy into finding a strait woman who wants to talk to them. I am rarely surprised. There is another set of people, both male and female who are scammers. Their only goal is money. They'll tell you sob stories and emergencies and ask for help.
But this one. She was a new breed of online scammers and players. The ones that appear to have no real motive whatsoever. Personal ego aside, this woman gained nothing financially or otherwise in maintaining these deceptions. It disturbed me. I called her out, showed her I'd found her. In the face of the overwhelming evidence she couldn't deny that wasn't her. But when asked why. The lies and the half assed excuses started. She was trying to keep herself safe. She didn't mean to hurt anyone etc etc. She still continues to this day, so any guilt over emotional pain caused to others is not enough to stop her. And why engage with women intimately in their hundreds or possibly thousands? There was no real answer.
Alter ego's are not unusual online and can actually be safe. However someone who is genuine will be using an obviously fake name, for example a 'chat handle' like my own, battling bard. They don't usually use a real looking name or altered versions of their own name.
So what can you do to avoid being scammed?
Well it sounds obvious. But use your brain and trust your instincts. If the person seems too good to be true, chances are that is the case. If their profile picture looks model perfect.. Or there are none of real people. Be suspicious. A lot of scammers use stock photo's they find on image sites. You can check this out if their picture is set to public or you save it to your HD.
Go to google image search. At the far right of the search box where you type is a grey camera image. Click it and either paste the link to the picture (right click, copy image location/url) or upload from your HD. Google will then perform a 'reverse image search' and you will find out if the picture is real. Of course this doesn't guarantee that a scammer hasn't stolen someones personal pics but in at least 80% of the cases I've investigated. Scammers aren't too bright.
If things don't add up. For example saying they are from another country but located in the US or UK. Their age and picture don't match. There aren't many pictures of them. They can not give you contact details or will not speak on a telephone or webcam.. or if they do talk on a phone, the contact is sporadic, on their terms, or long periods of unexplained inability to be contacted.
Trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. And remember you do not have to justify not diving into a relationship. No relationship was ever harmed by going too slow and getting to know someone.
You can check the location of someone if you get them to send an e-mail to you. http://whatismyipaddress.com/trace-email
Facebook is also wonderful for tracing someone if they use their cell phone. Get them to IM you and in the inbox there will be a little upsidedown teardrop next to the message, click it and it will show the location the message was sent from. Unfortunately if they use a pc fb is not so helpful and remember check ins and status locations can be faked on fb.
Just remember there is a whole lot you can hide behind a screen, have fun and enjoy networking but be careful. Love was never harmed by patience. Love and buggles to you all :)
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Monday, 5 August 2013
Continual Coming Out
One of the things that really annoys me as a feminine 'strait looking' lesbian, is the constant ''actually I'm gay'' that comes out of my mouth as soon as a conversation with strangers turns to sex and relationships. It has the disadvantage of showing me people's true opinions. Not being 'obviously' gay, the person I am talking to has no time to put of the mask of tolerance and acceptance I see my more boi-ish lesbian friends get. They know that they are talking to a lesbian, or at least suspect it, so are mentally prepared to hide their real opinion to save offending the lesbian.
Then of course there's the stupid looks and comments that follow. Shock will cross some people's faces, almost as if I'd just informed them that I smoke crack. Some, mostly guys, get a kind of weird smirk and I know damn well they are now picturing me in some porn situation, long fingernails and matching underwear to boot (never a reality.. I'm a mother). Some look dumbfounded, I may have just confessed to those that I am an intergalactic time traveller from another dimension. And to be fair some just give a nod of acknowledgement that their prefixes with me must be feminine ie, I have a wife not a husband, a gf not a bf.
Ohhh and the comments.. They drive me insane.. You don't look gay. Well really, please tell me what gay looks like.. Portia De Rossi? *smirks and waits for the penny to drop* Ohh you mean I don't look like a boy or shy away from pink things, dresses or make up. Because of course women only do those things to look good for men to find them attractive, a lesbian wouldn't need to do that would she...
When did you decide to be a lesbian?.. Umm never made a decision about that, when did you decide to be strait?
But you have a child! Yes I do, and her other Mom and I are very proud of her..
But how did you conceive her.. She must have a father... Really? I mean really? Would you even consider asking any other woman that question? Would you dismiss a woman's husband as father to her children if he weren't the biological father?
A butch or boi-ish woman will never know the pure frustration of the never ending constant almost compulsory need to come out to others. You wear the 'uniform of the lesbian'. There's no need to come out because your manner says it all for you. Us femmes on the other hand, we get accused of being fake lesbians, bisexual, confused, damaged by bad men, or else generally interrogated on subjects that people wouldn't even consider asking a strait or obviously gay woman.
And of course, there's the pervy men. The ones who are convinced one night will turn us, or that because we are femme like the girls in all the porn they like, we're up for threesomes and other general 'loose' behaviour. No sir I do not want to have sex with your gf or mine while you watch, would you like my big bear gay man friend to watch you? Didn't think so.
All this because we are who we are. I like girly things. I like sparkles and cute things that make me say awwww. I like putting on a pretty dress and some make up and feeling good in myself. Just like many of my friends like putting on their jeans and baseball caps and feeling good in their skin.
Just because I am a lesbian doesn't mean I'm not girly. So to anyone who assumes sexuality based on looks. Maybe next time don't presume long hair and a skirt means there's a bf at home.. There could well be a gf.
Then of course there's the stupid looks and comments that follow. Shock will cross some people's faces, almost as if I'd just informed them that I smoke crack. Some, mostly guys, get a kind of weird smirk and I know damn well they are now picturing me in some porn situation, long fingernails and matching underwear to boot (never a reality.. I'm a mother). Some look dumbfounded, I may have just confessed to those that I am an intergalactic time traveller from another dimension. And to be fair some just give a nod of acknowledgement that their prefixes with me must be feminine ie, I have a wife not a husband, a gf not a bf.
Ohhh and the comments.. They drive me insane.. You don't look gay. Well really, please tell me what gay looks like.. Portia De Rossi? *smirks and waits for the penny to drop* Ohh you mean I don't look like a boy or shy away from pink things, dresses or make up. Because of course women only do those things to look good for men to find them attractive, a lesbian wouldn't need to do that would she...
When did you decide to be a lesbian?.. Umm never made a decision about that, when did you decide to be strait?
But you have a child! Yes I do, and her other Mom and I are very proud of her..
But how did you conceive her.. She must have a father... Really? I mean really? Would you even consider asking any other woman that question? Would you dismiss a woman's husband as father to her children if he weren't the biological father?
A butch or boi-ish woman will never know the pure frustration of the never ending constant almost compulsory need to come out to others. You wear the 'uniform of the lesbian'. There's no need to come out because your manner says it all for you. Us femmes on the other hand, we get accused of being fake lesbians, bisexual, confused, damaged by bad men, or else generally interrogated on subjects that people wouldn't even consider asking a strait or obviously gay woman.
And of course, there's the pervy men. The ones who are convinced one night will turn us, or that because we are femme like the girls in all the porn they like, we're up for threesomes and other general 'loose' behaviour. No sir I do not want to have sex with your gf or mine while you watch, would you like my big bear gay man friend to watch you? Didn't think so.
All this because we are who we are. I like girly things. I like sparkles and cute things that make me say awwww. I like putting on a pretty dress and some make up and feeling good in myself. Just like many of my friends like putting on their jeans and baseball caps and feeling good in their skin.
Just because I am a lesbian doesn't mean I'm not girly. So to anyone who assumes sexuality based on looks. Maybe next time don't presume long hair and a skirt means there's a bf at home.. There could well be a gf.
U-Hauling
So I'm idly scrolling through the many facebook groups I am in and I notice a post in one of the lesbian groups. A picture of two women holding a small child entitled, me and my new gf. It is followed by some drivel about how this women is the most wonderful amazing blah blah blah etc, we've ALL seen them.
Now you may be reading this thinking gosh what a cynic. And you could be right. A little background on that picture first. The woman who posted has within the past year had 2 boyfriends and this is the third girlfriend. Each and every one has been the new love, the greatest thing. Until a few months later when she has gotten to know them. Then it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
I know this post is entitled U-hauling and that's often associated with lesbains. But really bi women and strait women are guilty of this too. Moving way too fast to successfully create a healthy relationship. Lesbians just seem to do it more obviously than other women. And I just have to ask.. Where the hell is the fire? Why are people in such a rush to 'find the perfect relationship'. When in fact it isn't something you find but something you create.
First you really need to get to know that person who's ass you think the sun shines out of. For one simple reason. People lie. They hide all the ugly crap, the issues, the dysfunction, they lie and hide and present themselves as being perfect. They want to impress you so they will tell you what they think you want to hear. I'm not talking a few days of chatting.. I mean take your time and give it months. No sex involved. Just seeing how you and that person interact. Believe it or not that is what you'll be doing most of the time in a relationship. You need to give it time for the initial wow you're amazing to wear off a little, for the normal routine to kick in. To see if the 50 texts a day are part of your individual interaction or it's just an intense getting to know you period.
Second.. Why oh why do you have to move in with each other within weeks or months of dating? Why oh why do you talk of marriage within the first year? Again.. Where the hell is that friggin fire? Two lives take time to merge properly, you can't just throw two worlds together and expect it to all be ok.. And why, please someone tell me why. After all that rushing to grab what you think is perfect, do people walk so easily from everything they claimed to want.. Ohhh that's right, it turned out it wasn't what they wanted didn't it?
So we end up with a group of women who bounce from one relationship to another, always looking for that perfect fix, that one true love. But never finding it because they aren't putting in the time and effort it takes to MAKE a great relationship, there's often kids involved who never really get a true look at stability and who learn by example to demand immediate perfection and walk when they don't get it.. Or worse, kids who demand instant gratification with no regard to the needs of others.
We end up with a load of cynics more interested in sex than love. We end up with an entire community of women being laughed at and mocked because a great number among them have slept with half their friends and average at least 3 partners per year. No wonder people question whether I'm really a lesbian when they find out not one of my friends has bedded me and of the four relationships I have had since I was 15, not one has had me hiring a u-haul.
Honestly ladies, If they are the one, they'll be happy to give you and them the extra time.. Why not take every precaution to make sure a relationship gets the best start and for goodness sakes change those expectations of instant real lasting love with little to no work. You are not Cinderella, get off your ass and work at it like Grandma did.
Now you may be reading this thinking gosh what a cynic. And you could be right. A little background on that picture first. The woman who posted has within the past year had 2 boyfriends and this is the third girlfriend. Each and every one has been the new love, the greatest thing. Until a few months later when she has gotten to know them. Then it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
I know this post is entitled U-hauling and that's often associated with lesbains. But really bi women and strait women are guilty of this too. Moving way too fast to successfully create a healthy relationship. Lesbians just seem to do it more obviously than other women. And I just have to ask.. Where the hell is the fire? Why are people in such a rush to 'find the perfect relationship'. When in fact it isn't something you find but something you create.
First you really need to get to know that person who's ass you think the sun shines out of. For one simple reason. People lie. They hide all the ugly crap, the issues, the dysfunction, they lie and hide and present themselves as being perfect. They want to impress you so they will tell you what they think you want to hear. I'm not talking a few days of chatting.. I mean take your time and give it months. No sex involved. Just seeing how you and that person interact. Believe it or not that is what you'll be doing most of the time in a relationship. You need to give it time for the initial wow you're amazing to wear off a little, for the normal routine to kick in. To see if the 50 texts a day are part of your individual interaction or it's just an intense getting to know you period.
Second.. Why oh why do you have to move in with each other within weeks or months of dating? Why oh why do you talk of marriage within the first year? Again.. Where the hell is that friggin fire? Two lives take time to merge properly, you can't just throw two worlds together and expect it to all be ok.. And why, please someone tell me why. After all that rushing to grab what you think is perfect, do people walk so easily from everything they claimed to want.. Ohhh that's right, it turned out it wasn't what they wanted didn't it?
So we end up with a group of women who bounce from one relationship to another, always looking for that perfect fix, that one true love. But never finding it because they aren't putting in the time and effort it takes to MAKE a great relationship, there's often kids involved who never really get a true look at stability and who learn by example to demand immediate perfection and walk when they don't get it.. Or worse, kids who demand instant gratification with no regard to the needs of others.
We end up with a load of cynics more interested in sex than love. We end up with an entire community of women being laughed at and mocked because a great number among them have slept with half their friends and average at least 3 partners per year. No wonder people question whether I'm really a lesbian when they find out not one of my friends has bedded me and of the four relationships I have had since I was 15, not one has had me hiring a u-haul.
Honestly ladies, If they are the one, they'll be happy to give you and them the extra time.. Why not take every precaution to make sure a relationship gets the best start and for goodness sakes change those expectations of instant real lasting love with little to no work. You are not Cinderella, get off your ass and work at it like Grandma did.
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